Old Wounds Recycled

I had a crisis yesterday which left me quite anxious. My car overheated after a trip up the freeway to my work.  The  small radiator hose was hissing out steam leaving me far from home without the prospect of support.  I had forgotten all about the transit of Chiron to my natal Moon perfecting on Friday.

overheatWarning Light

Over the years I have become accustomed to experiencing some anxiety. My old wounds involving abandonment issues become recycled when I feel helpless in situations. The sensitive point in my Astrology chart is  Moon – Chiron with the midpoint of Mars/ Neptune at my Moon degree. Chiron hit the moon and midpoint yesterday and the crisis returned temporarily.

The last time this Moon event occurred was in October while I was in Brisbane doing a talk at a conference. Like all outer planets transits the exact day of the conjunction will offer an eventful experience. Perhaps the radiator hose in my car has been slowly building pressure over the weeks. Feelings have a way of bursting in this manner too, especially if one doesn’t recognise the signs.

summer-car-maintenance-5
It seems that the words “helping industry” are indeed – far removed from the world of mechanics. After explaining my circumstances to seven different mechanics – none of them wanted to help. It was  late on Friday afternoon and no one was interested in my crisis.

I am in the helping industry and I just drove 40 k’s to see clients because that is important to my life.

My  emotions in general have been exaggerated and sensitive recently (which is an epic story) and when the car overheated  I experienced a spin of anxiety. The worst case scenario yesterday meant leaving my car at work and running the risk of vandals.

When a good friend wasn’t answering his phone the rising anxiety made it hard for me to think let alone focus on the small print in the yellow pages.

test-anxietyWhat Now

So I called my brother and he quickly said “no problems give me ten minutes and I will be up there”. Geez that sounded good to me. Now my worry switched to whether he could get the part in time and whether the problem with the car was more serious. The air conditioner was going flat out on a very hot day which precipitated the burst hose.

I am not usually so anxious  but when we were in the Auto shop I couldn’t believe how everyone else seemed so calm. The young girl went about finding the best radiator hose for my car. She was measuring the hoses with a micrometer for accuracy. This seemed extraordinary to me at the time. On the inside I was boiling over with worry. I was having a kind of post traumatic experience.

We went back to the car where my brother tinkered with the hoses  and not long after it was all back together again.

After thanking my brother I drove off – hoping the car would make the 40 km drive home through peak hour. For some reason the anxiety wasnt going to end until I was safely home and out of the isolating heat.

worry2

I made it home without any problems and it seems a job well done by my good brother. I think it took me a couple of hours to de-stress before dinner. The Chiron crisis is the helplessness – far from home with fears emerging from insecure early attachments in life. I had been recycled.

When things turn bad, when there is nothing you can do and you feel alone its a good time to ask for help.

When no one wants to help and feelings of rejection are triggered by cold hearted people – its time to call family.

My early rejection and abandonment issues came to the fore yesterday with the final pass of Chiron over my Moon. I can say the experience was healing for me.  Chiron – Moon in Astrology is a trigger and the reminder of the anxiety of being alone – far from home without support.  My brother helped me unconditionally.

Kingsley

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11 Responses to “Old Wounds Recycled”


  1. 1 roses January 10, 2009 at 17:15

    I think i love your brother K. I’m so grateful to him!

    Hope your Saturday is behaving itself nicely for you.

    roses

  2. 2 kingsley January 10, 2009 at 17:30

    glad you l;iked the story Roses

    k

  3. 3 Dorothy January 10, 2009 at 21:02

    Hi Kingsley – I have Saturn in the 3rd house. I have always had an irrational fear of transportation problems. Today, there is some kind of a storm coming (weather people keep switching it up, so not sure how bad it will be), and I have to work today. I drive sort of far – 1/2 hr w/good conditions. My usual response would be to stay home and just avoid it, but I am trying lately to stand up to my fear about this a little bit. My husband has learned to just fix car problems we may have without telling me much about it, because there is something about car stuff that can give me one gigantic panic attack. Oh, and those mechanics that would not help you, that really was not very nice at all. So glad your brother was able to help you – I would have sat in my car and cried for a bit before I was able to handle the situation, believe me!

  4. 4 Marianne January 11, 2009 at 07:04

    Hi,
    the scared little cat remember my anxiously event.

    Is many ideas in this post, and many reflections in one event.
    The physical insertions occur us many goings-on.
    The daily facts is personal experiences, and this is conect to our presence in the physical body.
    Is one efort to self-awareness, entirely present in my body, to connecting the psychologicals patterns – is Earth principle in action.
    ( Saturnian?)
    Beyond this workable earth, over there “mine” , and atachaments, is look over all this, and examine detaching mode own tendency. Is one eliberation at shape, and one fly in Air, without break the earth strong conexion.(and vital)
    Read-in yourself is “terrible descend wound”, but this Chironian heal = the pain to point to where is the loop, my closing. Is place when need for opening as human being.

    Get out of our armour for reality and for sigth by all peoples is one power who come by heart (Fire). Openind heart is courageous heart, compassionable and Healing.
    This heart is open to life, open to tuch by other person, regardless of risk.

    In Chinese filosofy is: Earth-Human-Heaven

  5. 5 kingsley January 11, 2009 at 07:21

    Well said Marianne.

    kingsley

  6. 6 kingsley January 11, 2009 at 07:42

    Hi Dorothy, I think I will just try and get any car problems fixed. But that means trusting a mechanic. I have given great thought to stying home and avoiding life.

    best
    Kingsley

  7. 7 roses January 11, 2009 at 09:20

    Ok, my latest freak out.
    We bought our latest car at auction via the internet. Won it (obviously) and i went with my youngest son to pick it up – 2 cars = 2 people to drive them home again.

    I needed petrol for the 1 1/2 hour drive home and pulled up at the petrol station. I forgot that the car had been jumped started at the auction house but we’d driven around for a bit so i assumed it would be charged by then. Filled up the car, went in to pay for the petrol, came back out and the battery was dead.

    All was well… i went in to the servo to ask to use their phone and (gosh they were nice!) they said yes no probs. I called NRMA for road side service and they explained to me that although we’d been a member for the last 30 years they couldn’t come and help me because the new car wasn’t on the account. Mean while the car is blocking anyone from getting petrol on that side of the bowsers.

    Right then and there i had a major melt down. I began to sweat, shallow breathe, shake. In my perspective the world became small – almost like i bearly noticed it there but i was aware of the servo guys looking over at me. I needed to get my hubby to put the new car onto the account.

    I was using the servo phone so i asked if i could make another call. Gosh they were nice. While i was on the phone with my hubby – who continued to ask me questions i couldn’t possibly answer! Like… “Why” and “but why” – how would i know why! I’m not them!!Geez!

    He was contactable! I couldn’t believe it but that day, he was contactable.

    My poor son, right up till the age of 25 he’d never seen his mother freak out. I’d never freaked out before – not till a few years ago and this was a huge trip for me since around 2003. I don’t think i will ever get used to panic attacks. I’ve only had a few and untill 2003 i wouldn’t have ever imagined they could possibly exist – but they do.

    That was about a year ago and i haven’t had an attack since. I was exercising one day – really getting into it. Began to sweat and breathe heavy and it almost panicked me all over again. I don’t know how to get past that one, i’m afraid of exercise because it feels the same as an attack. I don’t know what to do.

    What ever…

    That was my last one – except for the exercise thing.

    My life stopped in 2003. Avoiding life is a tad over rated though. I’m beginning to wake up now. It’s really a difficult and frightening thing to do, but except for the previous 5 or so years, i’ve so enjoyed life. I really do want to live again.

    Hope your decisions prove to be helpful to you K.

    roses

  8. 8 Graffiti January 11, 2009 at 14:07

    What a great post Kingsley!!

    Good problem solving in the middle of a PTSD crisis and to have a sibling come and help out so well.

    Well that makes the whole event so much better.

    Good stuff

    Graffiti

  9. 9 kingsley January 11, 2009 at 14:45

    It took some brain power Grafitti, especially seing as though I had a client in between making calls and looking through the phone book. The alternative is to have a fully blown anxiety attack I guess.

    kingsley

  10. 10 kingsley January 11, 2009 at 14:51

    In this heat Roses I would be quite happy to become an agrophobic for another few months.

    kingsley

  11. 11 roses January 12, 2009 at 06:34

    Really good point K. We’re atleast getting cool changes inbetween the heat wave marathon but it seems that over there its been hot consistently for ages.

    It appears that vehicles that we choose to get about in town or even life can let us down sometimes. Perhaps its best to not lean quite so heavily on them. Trouble is… i don’t quite know how that’s done.

    Hope to day is a breathe-able one.

    roses


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